Indonesian News Celebrity Deathmatches — Jakarta Globe

On MTV, there used to be a television show where claymation versions of celebrities dueled it out to the death. It was creatively titled “Celebrity Deathmatch.” Somehow, it came up in a recent conversation with a friend. And that got me thinking: What would happen if we pitted animated figurines of some of this year’s Indonesian news celebrities against each other in the boxing ring?

Daisy Fajarina (Manohara’s mom) vs. Malaysian Prince Tengku Temenggong Muhammad Fakhry

We all know Daisy has some fight in her. Just look at the way she has unflinchingly pushed her teenage daughter into the spotlight with the subtlety of a truck speeding down the highway without brakes. Meanwhile, in a lame counterattack, Fakhry has tried to fight his battle for “justice” in the courts. Seriously, dude. It’s 2009. Everyone knows justice is delivered via exclusive television interviews.

It seems pretty clear to me how this battle would go down. Daisy would walk into the ring and clobber the young prince without warning, knocking him down before he had a chance to file a restraining order or call his Shariah law consultant. She’d say “That’s for hurting my Mano” while stomping his most vulnerable areas with her Homy Ped sandals. Then, as she strutted out of the ring, she’d pause for a minute, turn back to look at the moaning monarch mopping up his bloody nose with a subpoena and in a moment of forgiveness, say: “But thanks for the publicity. We really appreciate it.”

Bibit and Chandra vs. the National Police and friends

No matter what move either Bibit or Chandra would make in the boxing ring, the National Police would accuse them of abuse of power. The refs would look bemused while leafing through the rules and would be even more surprised to find brown paper envelopes of cash marking the relevant sections. While they ummed and ahhed about their morals, the audience would get restless and take the fight to the streets.

Prita Mulyasari vs. Omni Hospital and Tangerang prosecutors

While this saga still drags through the courts, a boxing ring fix would be simple and probably far more fair. All Prita would need to do is load up her millions of rupiah worth of coins into some of those machines that fire balls at tennis players for practice. This way, the public could really be sure that their donations were helping her achieve justice. Then she would hit the ‘on’ switch and stand back and watch the officials drown in the sea of public scorn they ignored for so long, one little coin-bomb at a time.

Japanese porn star Miyabi vs. the hard-liners

The hard-liners would wave signs saying they didn’t want a Japanese porn star in their country because it would bring indecency. When she walked into the ring, they’d fall silent and blush, then scurry off giggling like schoolgirls. The audience would jeer, then go home to download porn off the Internet.

Bendera vs. Malaysia

Bendera was that group of Indonesian militants who went off to invade Malaysia sometime around October. Since we haven’t heard any tales of glory from the frontlines, I think we can confidently say that this deathmatch is already over and there’s no need to punch it out any further. Congratulations, Malaysia. But stop “stealing” our stuff or we’ll do something, like… umm… errr… Just stop it, ok?

SBY vs Mega vs Kalla

While we all know what happened in the presidential election in July, I think the outcome in a boxing ring would have been vastly different. My money would be on Mega and the blunt tactics she used to quietly boycott SBY’s inauguration. While the men tried to score talking points, scrapping over who brought peace to Aceh or whatever, she’d just silently gas them with her hairspray.

By Ashlee Betteridge

Published on the Jakarta Globe Web site, Dec. 30, 2009